Tumbldry

In case you missed any on my twitter feed, here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2010.

1.  “If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?”” @robdelaney

2.  “the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.” @theduty

3.  ““Dad, what does ‘gay’ mean?” “It means ‘to be happy’.” “Are you gay?” “No, son. I’m married.”” @Friedwords

4.  “There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.” @badbanana

5.  “MSNBC: “Up to 80 percent of women admit faking it.” That is a good headline. So good. SOOO GOOOD. YES!” @CapriceCrane

6.  “I was all “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!”. And she was all “PUT THAT BACK IN MY NIGHTSTAND!”.” @sucittaM

7.  “Things I can’t get: - skinnier - college algebra - a decent interest rate - a witness - a what what” @ruthakers

8.  “Hey, Mexicans. We were here fourth, so show a little respect.” @thesulk

9.  “I think the worst thing about wearing a condom is the sound it makes in the vacuum hose.” @plemur

10.  “The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.” @Zaius13

11.  “If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.” @DamienFahey

12.  ““Sir, unfortunately, “having a mullet” is not tax deductible… Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front.”” @iamnotdiddy

13.  “Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?” @Aimee_B_Loved

14.  “Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.” @CranberryPerson

15.  “Could yield signs be any more Canadian? “You might have to stop. I’m not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I’m on a street!”” @sween

16.  “The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.” @donni

17.  “Guys, stop “friending” me: Twitter is for people I like but don’t know. Facebook is for people I know but don’t like.” @RexHuppke

18.  “I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”” @kellyoxford

19.  “I’ve got my lazy eye on you. Well not really *on* you, but slightly over your left shoulder. But I can totally still see what you’re up to.” @AngelaHelga

20.  “I…like…big…WORDS and I cannot obfuscate the veracity of my proclamation.” @WadetoBlack

21.  “If you give a man a fish, and he makes lemonade, you have found a weirdo.” @JerryThomas

22.  “Let’s meet at the coffee shop. I’ll be the one who says “Gross” every time the barista calls out a drink that isn’t mine.” @ScottSimpson

23.  “My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.” @Shariv67 

24.  “Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we’ll complete the circle of life.” @MeetingBoy

25.  “One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.” @fireland

Here are a few that made my short list throughout the year that ended up not making the list:

“Curiosity hasn’t killed my cat, but it did get his head peed on a little bit this morning.” @lukeinvan

“I wrote a clitoritis joke. Sadly, I can’t find it.” @iamnotdiddy

“Sleeping babies are so precious. The warmth of their skin. The quietness of their breath. The steadiness of my sharpie.” @thedayhascome

“I just hit the gym but I drove away because I don’t have car insurance.” @roughdiction

“Whenever I do cardio, I get a sweat mark right under my left boob. It’s like my heart is weeping.” @BettyLies

“Just spent 15 minutes explaining football to my 5-year-old daughter. Now I think I’ll go explain health care reform to the cat.” @adamisacson

“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink because it’s Ramadan.” @lisarahmat

“More women than men received a PhD last year proving that girls are thinkier. I mean more thinky. Thoughtfuller. Look at my boobs!” @lafix

“God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.” @MrBigFists

“Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.” @Bosha

“Mothers, on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being Easy and 10 being Super Easy), how difficult was childbirth?” @brentcetera

“It’s a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.” @donni

“I’m saving myself for marriage. Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.” @AngelaHelga

“They say there’s a lot of fish in the sea but I can’t hold my breath long enough to have sex with them.” @plemur

“Every time I hear thunder, I count the seconds until I see the lightning bolt because I don’t understand how science works.” LonelySandwich

“James Cameron just leaned forward pretending to laugh & accidentally farted some money.” @QuinnK