In case you missed any on my twitter feed, here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2011. Oh, and here is a link to my 2010, and 2009 lists. Thanks to everyone who makes me laugh throughout the year and thanks to those who enjoy my tweets as well.
1. “Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.” @NealBrennan
2. “That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.” @IamEnidColeslaw
3. “I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.” @Qu4rtKn33
4. “”I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”” @meganamram
5. “Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?” @smelbz
6. “Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you better than me. It just means you’re better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.” @Im_Tricia
7. “If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.” @Matt_Tice
8. “”And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.” @mikeleffingwell
9. “Sorry, ancestors who believed in a “master race,” but I have to take a bunch of pills now because I’m allergic to my sweater.” @cschleichsrun
10. “When on an elevator by myself and a white guy gets on, I press every single floor, stick up my middle fingers and say “that’s for slavery.”” @bignas46
11. “Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang ‘Poker Face’ for 45 minutes.” @theNuzzy
12. “Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.” @robdelaney
13. “Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.” @JennyJohnsonHi5
14. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? dad!?” @yzupp
15. “Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.” @OuterJohn
16. “There’s no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.” @KevinFrisbee
17. “If you read your timeline backwards it’s about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what “twitter” is.” @Jason_maybe
18. “Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”” @NowAPisces
19. “My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.” @CroweJam
20. “A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.” @superduperkewl
21. “HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.” @CandyWarhole
22. “So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”” @PaulyPeligroso
23. “”Have some fucking dignity.” - Other birds to seagulls” @DearAnyone
24. “I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast” @lazerdoov
25. “The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.” @Lea_Stephanie__
Here are a few that made my short list throughout the year that ended up not making the list:
“My 3rd favorite sex position is called the “I don’t know what’s happening but I think this is ok.”” @AmberTozer
“”There is no GREG in ‘team.’ ” - super mean way to cut Greg from junior varsity.” @BoobsRadley
“My boyfriend asked for anal, so I alphabetized his DVD collection.” @Schmoodles
“Our daughter walked in on us having sex and it freaked me out because she’s 3 months old.” @rodney_at_large
“”You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” - People who don’t understand what you’re supposed to do with cake” @shiraselko
“My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank.” @bazecraze
“You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have a large collection of child pornography.” @meganamram
“People who hate on Snuggies without ever having tried one must detest the idea of wearing a hug.” @LouisPeitzman
“White people watch cops and say “wow this show is wild.” Black people watch cops and say “OH SHIT I THINK THAT WAS RICKY!”” @bignas46
“I have a weird fetish for guys who don’t hit me or try to put things in my butt.” @Qu4rtKn33
My 2010 list, and My 2009 list
In Margaret Bourke-White’s indelible, sadly ironic Depression-era photo, African-American victims of the Louisville Flood wearily assemble to receive food and clothing from a Red Cross relief station.
I hear this lady answering the phone saying “What did I tell you about callin’ me while I’m watchin’ my stories, Jesus?”
(Source: blameaspartame)
This is an MK 19 or “Mark 19”… it is a fully automatic grenade launcher and the most destructive non-vehicle mounted weapon I have ever used.
(Source: paulbunyansdick, via fredasaurusrex)
