Here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2013 (with a few extras). In case you’ve missed it over the past 5 years, I’ve also attached my lists from 2012, 2011, 2010 & 2009.
Thank you to everyone who has made me laugh throughout the years and to those of you who enjoy my tweets as well. Enjoy. Peace out.
1. hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
2. “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
Rory Patrick @RorynotRoy
3. *shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
8 bit fox @8bitf0x
4. How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
5. Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.
Tornado Homer @TitansHomer
6. *nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
7. Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
8. Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?
Oh crap..that’s right.
Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?
9. Grammar Tip:
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
Thankful Lozenge™ @LostCatDog
10. Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I’m not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
tony logan @tnylgn
11. At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
12. Men think about sex every 7 seconds, which explains all the awkward pauses during the Gettysburg Address
13. I’d be the overly dramatic astronaut that gives you a thumbs up, then slowly floats upside down to disapprove of something you did.
Derek Lawler @RowdyBowden
14. FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff
15. North Korea is the fat kid who brings nunchucks to school and gives himself a concussion in algebra.
16. I’d shake what my mama gave me if I knew how to shake 27 years of verbal abuse.
Robyn Vo @robyn_vo
17. “Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Dan Duvall @lazerdoov
18. Real Question: Is it still considered a “fight club” if it’s just me snapping candles in half with my knee at Kohl’s?
19. 8: hey dad
Me: did that number 8 just call me dad
Lazy Joe @lazy_joe_
20. “yeah of course I can paint your ceiling.” Michelangelo scoffed to himself, “gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick outs on it tho”
Dave Dittell @davedittell
21. America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Brent Smith @Brentweets
22. McDonalds actually does serve breakfast after 10:30 if u have a gun
23. When they were baptizing me I drank all of the holy water. They tried to stop me but it was too late, I was already too powerful.
24. if you catch your kid masturbating, close your eyes immediately then walk backwards out of the room while giving em 2 thumbs up
Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw
25. P90x, Day 6:
Both butt cheeks exploded. Can’t find the cat.
Honorable mentions of 2013:
Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Shout out to CoinStar for being loud as f*ck and letting everyone in this grocery store know I’ve been making bad financial decisions.
These are your lungs.
*shows a picture of lungs*
These are your lungs if you smoke.
*shows a picture of lungs wearing a leather jacket*
MISSED CONNECTION: It was 1997. We were at the park, playing freeze tag. You froze me then went home. Please come back, I want to live life.
Turns out the super shy steampunk guy in my building was a propane tank.
several animals were harmed in the making of this film. a piece of sh*t horse nobody liked and a gecko that we straight up lost
When someone asks if you want to play a board game they’re really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes.
I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife, which is pretty dope
You’d think there’d be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.
I wish I was a little bit shorter I wish I was a hoarder I wish there was a bed made of cats I could order.
My Goal Weight: To be able to hold an infant and not have it try and breast feed off me.
Top 25 funniest tweets of 2012 list:
1. Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.
2. And on the sixth day God said “Hand me that cat,” and He started playing it all crazy like an accordion, set it down and called it a ferret.
3. Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn’t have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.
4. I don’t need to know how long your newborn is. I’m not a baby tailor.
5. LADY: “I’m not handicapped. I’m a paralegal.” ME: “Oh, so how did you become paralegalized? A weird horse accident?”
6. Ladies, don’t be afraid to wear less makeup. Guys like a natural look. Unless you’re ugly. Then pile that shit on.
7. I’m not scared to age physically so much as I am to automatically pluralize the names of restaurants and retail establishments.
8. The average wife of Paul McCartney has 1.667 legs
9. I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.
10. She said “Hand me that oven mitt” and as he pretended to try to lift the whole stove, the Romneys laughed, but not quite as much this year.
11. My grandfather fought in two wars. I have to take a nap when someone yells at me.
12. Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.
13. Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.
14. Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
15. Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
16. Face down, ass up, that’s the way we found Nana. RIP
17. My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I’m just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I’m tired of fighting.
18. “He’s French. He’s a skunk. Possibly a rapist.” “Say no more. Let’s get the ball rolling” Pitch meeting for Pepé Le Pew at Warner Bros.
19. I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem.
20. I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
21. “Phil, I need to send your nephew to Bel Air and have you pay for him to go to a private school. He got into a fight. THEY SPUN HIM AROUND!”
22. I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.
23. Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
24. Thinking about moving to Canada for our healthcare? My Doctor is literally a bear and she can’t even remember my name.
25. If anybody’s looking for a roommate I like to walk around making dragon noises with my mouth.
Top 25 funniest tweets of 2011 list:
1. “Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.”
2. “That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.”
3. “I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.”
4. “”I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm””
5. “Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?”
6. “Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you better than me. It just means you’re better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.”
7. “If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.”
8. “”And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.”
9. “Sorry, ancestors who believed in a “master race,” but I have to take a bunch of pills now because I’m allergic to my sweater.”
10. “When on an elevator by myself and a white guy gets on, I press every single floor, stick up my middle fingers and say “that’s for slavery.””
11. “Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang ‘Poker Face’ for 45 minutes.”
12. “Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.”
13. “Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.”
14. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? dad!?”
15. “Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.”
16. “There’s no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.”
17. “If you read your timeline backwards it’s about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what “twitter” is.”
18. “Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!””
19. “My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.”
20. “A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.”
21. “HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.”
22. “So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?””
23. “”Have some f*cking dignity.” - Other birds to seagulls”
24. “I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast”
25. “The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.”
Top 25 funniest tweets of 2010 list:
1. “If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?””
2. “the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.”
3. “”Dad, what does ‘gay’ mean?” “It means ‘to be happy’.” “Are you gay?” “No, son. I’m married.””
4. “There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.”
5. “MSNBC: “Up to 80 percent of women admit faking it.” That is a good headline. So good. SOOO GOOOD. YES!”
6. “I was all “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!”. And she was all “PUT THAT BACK IN MY NIGHTSTAND!”.”
7. “Things I can’t get: - skinnier - college algebra - a decent interest rate - a witness - a what what”
8. “Hey, Mexicans. We were here fourth, so show a little respect.”
9. “I think the worst thing about wearing a condom is the sound it makes in the vacuum hose.”
10. “The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.”
11. “If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.”
12. “”Sir, unfortunately, “having a mullet” is not tax deductible… Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front.””
13. “Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?”
14. “Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.”
15. “Could yield signs be any more Canadian? “You might have to stop. I’m not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I’m on a street!””
16. “The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.”
17. “Guys, stop “friending” me: Twitter is for people I like but don’t know. Facebook is for people I know but don’t like.”
18. “I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?””
19. “I’ve got my lazy eye on you. Well not really *on* you, but slightly over your left shoulder. But I can totally still see what you’re up to.”
20. “I…like…big…WORDS and I cannot obfuscate the veracity of my proclamation.”
21. “If you give a man a fish, and he makes lemonade, you have found a weirdo.”
22. “Let’s meet at the coffee shop. I’ll be the one who says “Gross” every time the barista calls out a drink that isn’t mine.”
23. “My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.”
24. “Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we’ll complete the circle of life.”
25. “One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.”
Top 10 funniest tweets of 2009 list:
1. “Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.”
2. “I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.”
3. “If you love something, set it free. …unless you love a velociraptor. Then you have some thinking to do, and I can’t really help you.”
4. “I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings.”
5. “I THOUGHT THERE WAS A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET LAST NIGHT BUT IT WAS JUST GRANDMA THINKING SHE WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.”
6. “Is that a banana in your burka or are you going to blow us all up?”
7. “i killed a man once. but that was a long time ago… wait. what was the question? oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.”
8. “FYI: It’s spelled “grammar”. “Grammer” is your white trash grandmother.”
9. “I like to poop with the door open, but it makes it hard to drive.”
10. “Some interesting facts I learned at the children’s museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.”