Top 25 Funniest Tweets of 2013

Here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2013 (with a few extras). In case you’ve missed it over the past 5 years, I’ve also attached my lists from 2012, 2011, 2010 & 2009.

Thank you to everyone who has made me laugh throughout the years and to those of you who enjoy my tweets as well. Enjoy. Peace out.


1. hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@ch000ch


2. “Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden

Rory Patrick @RorynotRoy


3. *shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

8 bit fox @8bitf0x


4. How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Dang @Busocco


5. Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car masturbating. I accidentally honked like 7 times.

Tornado Homer @TitansHomer


6. *nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

Brent @murrman5


7. Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

Tommytoughstuff @Tommytoughstuff


8. Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that’s right.

Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?

Aristotles @AristotlesNZ


9. Grammar Tip:
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance

Thankful Lozenge™ @LostCatDog

10. Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I’m not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.

tony logan @tnylgn

11. At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

slickhairboy @Hellaphantitis


12. Men think about sex every 7 seconds, which explains all the awkward pauses during the Gettysburg Address

Shane!! @batsly


13. I’d be the overly dramatic astronaut that gives you a thumbs up, then slowly floats upside down to disapprove of something you did.

Derek Lawler @RowdyBowden

14. FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Karen Kilgariff @KarenKilgariff


15. North Korea is the fat kid who brings nunchucks to school and gives himself a concussion in algebra.

James @pro_failure

16. I’d shake what my mama gave me if I knew how to shake 27 years of verbal abuse.

Robyn Vo @robyn_vo

17. “Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

Dan Duvall @lazerdoov

18. Real Question: Is it still considered a “fight club” if it’s just me snapping candles in half with my knee at Kohl’s?

Scotty @MarylandMudflap

19. 8: hey dad

Me:

8:

Me: did that number 8 just call me dad

Lazy Joe @lazy_joe_

20. “yeah of course I can paint your ceiling.” Michelangelo scoffed to himself, “gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick outs on it tho”

Dave Dittell @davedittell

21. America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Brent Smith @Brentweets

22. McDonalds actually does serve breakfast after 10:30 if u have a gun

lawblob @lawblob

23. When they were baptizing me I drank all of the holy water. They tried to stop me but it was too late, I was already too powerful.

adam @AdamTheLobster

24. if you catch your kid masturbating, close your eyes immediately then walk backwards out of the room while giving em 2 thumbs up

Mary Charlene @IamEnidColeslaw

25. P90x, Day 6:

Both butt cheeks exploded. Can’t find the cat.

Steve @WigCannon


Honorable mentions of 2013:


Sick of having to go to 2 different huts to buy pizza & sunglasses.

@Leemanish


*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

@murrman5


Shout out to CoinStar for being loud as f*ck and letting everyone in this grocery store know I’ve been making bad financial decisions.

@TitansHomer


These are your lungs.
*shows a picture of lungs*
These are your lungs if you smoke.
*shows a picture of lungs wearing a leather jacket*

@MrsJohnGoodman


MISSED CONNECTION: It was 1997. We were at the park, playing freeze tag. You froze me then went home. Please come back, I want to live life.

@OBiiieeee


Turns out the super shy steampunk guy in my building was a propane tank.

@lafix


several animals were harmed in the making of this film. a piece of sh*t horse nobody liked and a gecko that we straight up lost

@lawblob


When someone asks if you want to play a board game they’re really asking if you want to be angry at them in about forty five minutes.

@tnylogan


I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

@jennypentland


Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

@madamezooble


pallbearers help us crowd surf into the afterlife, which is pretty dope

@ch000ch


You’d think there’d be another way of getting down from a horse other than just sitting there until it dies.

@wigcannon


I wish I was a little bit shorter I wish I was a hoarder I wish there was a bed made of cats I could order.

@FilthyRichmond


My Goal Weight: To be able to hold an infant and not have it try and breast feed off me.

@titanshomer


Top 25 funniest tweets of 2012 list:

1. Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER.

@TheBosha

2. And on the sixth day God said “Hand me that cat,” and He started playing it all crazy like an accordion, set it down and called it a ferret.

@GreenishDuck

3. Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn’t have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.

@meganamram

4. I don’t need to know how long your newborn is. I’m not a baby tailor.

@badbanana

5. LADY: “I’m not handicapped. I’m a paralegal.” ME: “Oh, so how did you become paralegalized? A weird horse accident?”

@andyerikson

6. Ladies, don’t be afraid to wear less makeup. Guys like a natural look. Unless you’re ugly. Then pile that shit on.

@CapriceCrane

7. I’m not scared to age physically so much as I am to automatically pluralize the names of restaurants and retail establishments.

@BoobsRadley

8. The average wife of Paul McCartney has 1.667 legs

@EliBraden

9. I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably.

@UncleDynamite

10. She said “Hand me that oven mitt” and as he pretended to try to lift the whole stove, the Romneys laughed, but not quite as much this year.

@biorhythmist

11. My grandfather fought in two wars. I have to take a nap when someone yells at me.

@DearAnyone

12. Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.

@sween

13. Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.

@IamEnidColeSlaw

14. Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

@succittaM

15. Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

@Donni

16. Face down, ass up, that’s the way we found Nana. RIP

@RobFee

17. My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I’m just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I’m tired of fighting.

@untresor

18. “He’s French. He’s a skunk. Possibly a rapist.” “Say no more. Let’s get the ball rolling” Pitch meeting for Pepé Le Pew at Warner Bros.

@SenorWinces

19. I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem.

@PaulyPeligroso

20. I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@awescar

21. “Phil, I need to send your nephew to Bel Air and have you pay for him to go to a private school. He got into a fight. THEY SPUN HIM AROUND!”

@markleggett

22. I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

23. Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

@FilthyRichmond

24. Thinking about moving to Canada for our healthcare? My Doctor is literally a bear and she can’t even remember my name.

@lazerdoov

25. If anybody’s looking for a roommate I like to walk around making dragon noises with my mouth.

@ixSeanxi


Top 25 funniest tweets of 2011 list:


1. “Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.”

@NealBrennan

2. “That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.”

@IamEnidColeslaw

3. “I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.”

@Qu4rtKn33

4. “”I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm””

@meganamram

5. “Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?”

@smelbz

6. “Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you better than me. It just means you’re better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.”

@Im_Tricia

7. “If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.”

@Matt_Tice

8. “”And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.”

@mikeleffingwell

9. “Sorry, ancestors who believed in a “master race,” but I have to take a bunch of pills now because I’m allergic to my sweater.”

@cschleichsrun

10. “When on an elevator by myself and a white guy gets on, I press every single floor, stick up my middle fingers and say “that’s for slavery.””

@bignas46

11. “Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang ‘Poker Face’ for 45 minutes.”

@theNuzzy

12. “Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.”

@robdelaney

13. “Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

14. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? dad!?”

@yzupp

15. “Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.”

@OuterJohn

16. “There’s no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.”

@KevinFrisbee

17. “If you read your timeline backwards it’s about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what “twitter” is.”

@Jason_maybe

18. “Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!””

@NowAPisces

19. “My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.”

@CroweJam

20. “A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.”

@superduperkewl

21. “HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.”

@CandyWarhole

22. “So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?””

@PaulyPeligroso

23. “”Have some f*cking dignity.” - Other birds to seagulls”

@DearAnyone

24. “I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast”

@lazerdoov

25. “The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.”

@Lea_Stephanie__


Top 25 funniest tweets of 2010 list:


1. “If you stacked all the women I’ve made love to over the years on top of each other, I’d be like, “What are you doing?””

@robdelaney

2. “the worst part of this guy catching me masturbating to a Highlights magazine is looking him in the eye for an hour while he cleans my teeth.”

@theduty

3. “”Dad, what does ‘gay’ mean?” “It means ‘to be happy’.” “Are you gay?” “No, son. I’m married.””

@Friedwords

4. “There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.”

@badbanana

5. “MSNBC: “Up to 80 percent of women admit faking it.” That is a good headline. So good. SOOO GOOOD. YES!”

@CapriceCrane

6. “I was all “BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL!”. And she was all “PUT THAT BACK IN MY NIGHTSTAND!”.”

@sucittaM

7. “Things I can’t get: - skinnier - college algebra - a decent interest rate - a witness - a what what”

@ruthakers

8. “Hey, Mexicans. We were here fourth, so show a little respect.”

@thesulk

9. “I think the worst thing about wearing a condom is the sound it makes in the vacuum hose.”

@plemur

10. “The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.”

@Zaius13

11. “If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik’s cube.”

@DamienFahey

12. “”Sir, unfortunately, “having a mullet” is not tax deductible… Yes, sir, even if it is solely used for business in the front.””

@iamnotdiddy

13. “Holy crap! I forgot to have coffee today! What else did I forget? WHERE IS MY BABY?!? Wait, do I have one of those? DO I HAVE A BABY?!?”

@Aimee_B_Loved

14. “Installing a fake hardwood floor has been a monumental effort, but watching the kids repeatedly slip and fall on it makes it all worthwhile.”

@CranberryPerson

15. “Could yield signs be any more Canadian? “You might have to stop. I’m not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I’m on a street!””

@sween

16. “The people on this bus just need to relax and let me tickle them.”

@donni

17. “Guys, stop “friending” me: Twitter is for people I like but don’t know. Facebook is for people I know but don’t like.”

@RexHuppke

18. “I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?””

@kellyoxford

19. “I’ve got my lazy eye on you. Well not really *on* you, but slightly over your left shoulder. But I can totally still see what you’re up to.”

@AngelaHelga

20. “I…like…big…WORDS and I cannot obfuscate the veracity of my proclamation.”

@WadetoBlack

21. “If you give a man a fish, and he makes lemonade, you have found a weirdo.”

@JerryThomas

22. “Let’s meet at the coffee shop. I’ll be the one who says “Gross” every time the barista calls out a drink that isn’t mine.”

@ScottSimpson

23. “My husband complains that I over share on Twitter. Clearly, his hemorrhoids are just making him cranky.”

@Shariv67 

24. “Thanks for the voicemail about the email you sent. If you send me another email about the voicemail, then we’ll complete the circle of life.”

@MeetingBoy

25. “One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.”

@fireland


Top 10 funniest tweets of 2009 list:


1. “Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.”

@fireland

2. “I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.”

@Zaius13

3. “If you love something, set it free. …unless you love a velociraptor. Then you have some thinking to do, and I can’t really help you.”

@luckyshirt

4. “I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings.”

@plemur

5. “I THOUGHT THERE WAS A MONSTER IN MY CLOSET LAST NIGHT BUT IT WAS JUST GRANDMA THINKING SHE WAS STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR.”

@MikeyADHD

6. “Is that a banana in your burka or are you going to blow us all up?”

@lisarahmat

7. “i killed a man once. but that was a long time ago… wait. what was the question? oh, and a large Diet Coke too please, thank you.”

@theduty

8. “FYI: It’s spelled “grammar”. “Grammer” is your white trash grandmother.”

@bedheadblonde

9. “I like to poop with the door open, but it makes it hard to drive.”

@sween

10. “Some interesting facts I learned at the children’s museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children.”

@roughdiction

My top 25 most favorite tweets of 2012.

Here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2012 (with a few extras). Here is also a link to my 2011, 2010, and 2009 lists.

Thanks to everyone who makes me laugh throughout the year and thanks to those who enjoy my tweets as well.

______________________________________________________________________


1. Israel is like STOP TOUCHING ME and Palestine is like YOU’RE TOUCHING ME and Hillary is like I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER. @TheBosha

2. And on the sixth day God said “Hand me that cat,” and He started playing it all crazy like an accordion, set it down and called it a ferret. @GreenishDuck

3. Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn’t have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful. @meganamram

4. I don’t need to know how long your newborn is. I’m not a baby tailor. @badbanana

5. LADY: “I’m not handicapped. I’m a paralegal.” ME: “Oh, so how did you become paralegalized? A weird horse accident?” @andyerikson

6. Ladies, don’t be afraid to wear less makeup. Guys like a natural look. Unless you’re ugly. Then pile that shit on. @CapriceCrane

7. I’m not scared to age physically so much as I am to automatically pluralize the names of restaurants and retail establishments. @BoobsRadley

8. The average wife of Paul McCartney has 1.667 legs @EliBraden

9. I wouldn’t even know what to do during a threesome. Jazz hands, probably. @UncleDynamite

10. She said “Hand me that oven mitt” and as he pretended to try to lift the whole stove, the Romneys laughed, but not quite as much this year. @biorhythmist

11. My grandfather fought in two wars. I have to take a nap when someone yells at me. @DearAnyone

12. Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99. @sween

13. Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard. @IamEnidColeSlaw

14. Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend. @succittaM

15. Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job. @Donni

16. Face down, ass up, that’s the way we found Nana. RIP @RobFee

17. My hand is stuck in a jar of salsa right now. I’m just gonna leave it in there. This is who I am now. I’m tired of fighting. @untresor

18. “He’s French. He’s a skunk. Possibly a rapist.” “Say no more. Let’s get the ball rolling” Pitch meeting for Pepé Le Pew at Warner Bros. @SenorWinces

19. I liked dubstep when it was called starting your dial-up modem. @PaulyPeligroso

20. I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm. @awescar

21. “Phil, I need to send your nephew to Bel Air and have you pay for him to go to a private school. He got into a fight. THEY SPUN HIM AROUND!” @markleggett

22. I went to my doctor for a 4 hour erection and he was like, “Did you just see Magic Mike twice?” And I was all, “busted”, and then we danced. @GuyEndoreKaiser

23. Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out. @FilthyRichmond

24. Thinking about moving to Canada for our healthcare? My Doctor is literally a bear and she can’t even remember my name. @lazerdoov

25. If anybody’s looking for a roommate I like to walk around making dragon noises with my mouth. @ixSeanxi

Here are a few that made my short list throughout the year that ended up not making the list:

Fifty Shades of Grey is the most boring box of Crayolas ever. @MikeLeffingwell

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING. @Garrett_Moriati

My cat eats too much food then throws it up. EVERY DAY. I swear to God if she keeps it up she is going to look amazing. @RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register. @RobinMcCauley

My obituary will read: He’s now dead on the outside too. @ClarkeKant

How are people homeless just follow the next blind guy you see back to his house and BAM welcome home dude you gotta be real super quiet tho. @Hadzilla

My dream car is just Shaq dressed like a fireman carrying me everywhere like he just rescued me from a burning building. @Hadzilla

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.” @RobFee

Ask your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sex. Then ask if you’re attractive enough. Then ask your doctor for sex. @BadBanana

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater @OuterJohn

If a chain restaurant waiter asks if you’ve dined there before, a fun thing to do is shake your head, then shyly comb your hair with a fork. @BoobsRadley

I bet when they discovered the radish everyone was like “Let’s name it Rad!” and one guy was all “Let’s dial that back a bit. @Bagyants

My girlfriend said I make her feel invisible. I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend. @BDGarp

Hey Girl Scout, let your mom handle my cookie transaction. I don’t have all day to watch you practice math. @FilthyRichmond

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio. @TrainedHedonist

Gonna get a tattoo of two big trucks crashing into each other and then maybe there’s like a scorpion on the side of the road doing push-ups. @GreenishDuck

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone? Dude, you might be dating the sun. @GreenishDuck

My business card is a coupon for ranch dressing. @Qu4rtKn33

Does Whoopi Goldberg know her name roughly translates to Sex Jew? @Qu4rtKn33

Looks like somebody is tweeting at recess.

I don’t even like the NBA, but this is funny.

My top 25 most favorite tweets of 2011.

In case you missed any on my twitter feed, here is the complete list of my top 25 favorite tweets of 2011. Oh, and here is a link to my 2010, and 2009 lists. Thanks to everyone who makes me laugh throughout the year and thanks to those who enjoy my tweets as well.


1. “Marriage = Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.” @NealBrennan

2. “That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.” @IamEnidColeslaw

3. “I’m a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I’m fat.” @Qu4rtKn33

4. “”I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”” @meganamram

5. “Did you know if you hook your electric blanket up to 7 extension cords w/ duct tape you can stay warm anywhere cause your house is on fire?” @smelbz

6. “Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t make you better than me. It just means you’re better at sex & communicating & are not an arsonist.” @Im_Tricia

7. “If you think your cat loves you, just remember it would probably yawn and fall asleep while watching you get murdered with a rake.” @Matt_Tice

8. “”And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” - God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.” @mikeleffingwell

9. “Sorry, ancestors who believed in a “master race,” but I have to take a bunch of pills now because I’m allergic to my sweater.” @cschleichsrun

10. “When on an elevator by myself and a white guy gets on, I press every single floor, stick up my middle fingers and say “that’s for slavery.”” @bignas46

11. “Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang ‘Poker Face’ for 45 minutes.” @theNuzzy

12. “Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir… Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.” @robdelaney

13. “Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.” @JennyJohnsonHi5

14. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? dad!?” @yzupp

15. “Sometimes I go bow hunting with my uncle and when we find two good ones we put my hair in pigtails.” @OuterJohn

16. “There’s no feeling quite like hearing a wheelchair enter the bathroom while occupying the handicapped stall.” @KevinFrisbee

17. “If you read your timeline backwards it’s about a lunatic seeking validation and ends with a normal person wondering what “twitter” is.” @Jason_maybe

18. “Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”” @NowAPisces

19. “My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.” @CroweJam

20. “A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward, I hope she likes my parents.” @superduperkewl

21. “HD porn is so clear that you can actually see how disappointed their parents are.” @CandyWarhole

22. “So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”” @PaulyPeligroso

23. “”Have some fucking dignity.” - Other birds to seagulls” @DearAnyone

24. “I wanna be rich enough to have 11 midgets who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast” @lazerdoov

25. “The first thing I do when I get home is take off my bra. Not for the reason you think though. Oh you thought to breastfeed my dog? Then yes.” @Lea_Stephanie__

Here are a few that made my short list throughout the year that ended up not making the list:

"My 3rd favorite sex position is called the "I don’t know what’s happening but I think this is ok."" @AmberTozer

""There is no GREG in ‘team.’ " - super mean way to cut Greg from junior varsity." @BoobsRadley

"My boyfriend asked for anal, so I alphabetized his DVD collection." @Schmoodles

"Our daughter walked in on us having sex and it freaked me out because she’s 3 months old." @rodney_at_large

""You can’t have your cake and eat it too." - People who don’t understand what you’re supposed to do with cake" @shiraselko

"My last fart sounded like a dying old woman calling out for her husband Frank." @bazecraze

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t have a large collection of child pornography." @meganamram

"People who hate on Snuggies without ever having tried one must detest the idea of wearing a hug." @LouisPeitzman

"White people watch cops and say "wow this show is wild." Black people watch cops and say "OH SHIT I THINK THAT WAS RICKY!"" @bignas46

"I have a weird fetish for guys who don’t hit me or try to put things in my butt." @Qu4rtKn33

My 2010 list, and My 2009 list

In Margaret Bourke-White’s indelible, sadly ironic Depression-era photo, African-American victims of the Louisville Flood wearily assemble to receive food and clothing from a Red Cross relief station.